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our first update

Day one and we have arrived, despite a long and at times tedious flight we arrived in Calicut at 21.00 local time. The flight from Heathrow could hardly have been better we had one of Emirates newest A380 wide body planes and for all us this was the nicest and best equipped airplanes that any of us had experienced. The personal entertainment centre gave both 240vt power sockets and USB connections so it was not only possible to power up your laptop but also view your own photographs via your USB stick whilst listening to your own music.

The film list was not only comprehensive and up to date but also exceedingly easy to navigate, whilst the seat gave more than adequate legroom to my 6/3 slightly overweight frame.

Our stopover in Dubai was a necessarily long one due to matching planes however once we found some couches to catch some shut eye

Our arrival in India was met with ever widening eyes from those that had never experienced it. First warning comes with the noise of the aeroplanes tyres touching Indian soil, which seems to be taken by those Indians arriving back to their homeland as a signal to jump up and try to retrieve their massively oversized “handheld luggage” from the overhead lockers. The air stewards chosen for this flight must be chosen for their ability to shout and make themselves heard over the noise of the airplane hurtling down the run with the throttles screaming in full reverse.

It seemed that every Indian needed to explore the possibility that it might be just them that would be allowed to stand up and retrieve their bags before dutifully seating when shouted at. Eventually due to sheer numbers there were more passengers prepared to attempt to stand than the hostess could shout at and by sheers numbers mob rule took over. Emirates online booking must be perverse because it always seems that the Indian with the biggest need to get out the plane is always the furthest from the door and starts a charge which would have any rugby coach jealous, remembering of course that the plane has still not come to a distinct stop. I know that this is probably distinctly racist but those famous painting of Rawkes drift or Gordon of Khartoum did spring readily to mind

When the plane does eventually come to a stop the mealie becomes worse with the women joining in. Amazingly without a single comment the British reserve kicks in, and to a man (and woman) our entire group sits stock still waiting for the furore to finish, eventually rising from their seats and recovering their hand luggage and departing the plane probably only 60 seconds after the Indian who won this flights version of the race for the door.

We spilled off the plane into a massive arrivals hall with an equally large number of Indians and their “hand luggage”. I am sure there must be a website somewhere unofficially explaining the maximum size of package that would fit into each locker on every plane ever made and those Indians travelling study it like the racing post because despite the massive size and sheer volume of hand luggage it mercifully fits, either that or the hostess have a special backless locker a bit like Mary Poppins bag that you can just keep stuffing with things that seem impossibly large for the size available.

We then joined the back of one of the mile long queues and the influence of the Rajja steps in and our whole group is ushered to the very front passing our Indian winner of ‘first to the door’ and everyone else.

The second game we then play, and I am afraid are beaten at, is get the luggage from the turntable. Now the Indians play slightly different rules but tactics are similar; it seems that you have to get a luggage trolley and leave it with the remainder of your family as close as you can get to the turntable, and join your team in what appears to be a giant scrum. I know the Indians don’t play rugby but they should try they have a lot of potential if the scrum at the carousel is anything to go by. We were out played, they had a much stronger team and we let ourselves down and scored an own goal; Roger reliving his rugby days took up point and positioned himself at the carousel others formed a line back to our trolleys held back from the front line. This was the first of our many mistakes, our rearguard cleanly failed in checking the state of the trolleys and some time spent here would have saved us the problem of a trolley with a limp (I kid you not, one of our trolleys had a limp when fully loaded it “limped quite badly down to the fact that one wheel was concentric by about 3 inches whether it was made like this or evolved like this couldn’t be seen but limp it did). Now you never see a porter with a limp and there are good reasons why and this trolley was the same it had no place in the departure lounge and should have been relegated to a street corner or similar like you see old Tesco’s trolleys in the UK. However the limp would not be discovered until much later, we were still in with a fighting chance at this time. Bags were seen identified and passed back out of the scrum, our main troops held at the rear of the action. Bag after bag moved to the Brit trolley park and then disaster, Damien’s bag was missing. We had a clear lead, in fact I say we had won but no, Damien’s bag was missing and we were forced to wait longer and longer until every bag was off the plane. We still had a chance to win but could easily pull off a draw. Ted led the assault on the porter, demanding they check to see if the plane was fully unloaded. Roger dropped back exhausted from spotting and passing back, he had rightly taken the initiative at a very early stage having realised that a three two three formation was doomed and had singlehandedly moved into a one two three formation his taking sole resposbinbily for spotting and removing, passing back to the two who passed on to the three who loaded the trolleys.

With the rest of the team ashen we saw our lead from the departures room whittled away and it took far too long for us to realise that Damien’s back had in fact been identified and passed back right at the beginning and was sat at the bottom of the pile on our trolley. The walk through customs was a sorry sight, our trolley limping Ted a broken man, saying you’re sorry come so hard to him and having had to back down from his demand of having the plane taken apart to find Damians bag came partially hard to him especially having just retired and unable to shout through hatch “you will have your dinner when I say”

Sam was still Giggly from her encounter with the Glenfidic hostess and RJ still unable to believe we had shared a plane with Kylie.

It’s now 2.30 am and I was woken by what sounded like Ted who is the bed next to me giving an amplified version of one of Rogers “yawns” only to find that sure enough it was Rogers Yawns but from Four rooms away I did think that perhaps our rooms had some kind of connection like the Whispering gallery in St Pauls but no it was Roger and it was simply him yawning and I knew only too well that this yawning could go on for hours if not days until Roger found a comfortable position and he slipped into the slightly quieter full blooded yawn. I stopped the cups on our bedside table that where rattling in time to his yawns but eventually I had to give up and get up. I really don’t know how Madge puts up with him and if she ever breaks and beats him to death in the middle of the night I would know of at least 100 people who would love to come to court and testify that they would have done exactly the same had it not been that he had locked his room door. At least Roger seems to have found a soul mate in Nigel who even now sat in reception a floor below can be heard echoing Rogers snoring snore for snore unfortunately for everyone at a slightly different speed so that about every five minutes they are in perfect time and all that can be heard is a loud but tuneful burbling a bit like a rocket engine before Ignition or even two Lumber jacks gracefully and tunefully Cutting wood with a double handled saw but for the rest of the time trying to out Bay each other like rutting stags.

Even now an hour after being woken up as they get in into the correct timing they can be heard throughout the hotel.

Geoff Hodges has slipped seamlessly into Dave Holly’s shoes the unflappable and smooth rider that his is. I only have to now see him roll a cigarette at 50mph for the vision to be completed some riders look as if they were born on a bike and both him and Dave fit this description. I failed miserably in my attempts to prise tools out his hands and he has already repaired some of the minor problems we have had.

RJ has been walking and riding with his eyes and mouth almost constantly open since we landed. Tonight he was convinced that I had landed him in a gay hotspot having seen all the male population walking hand in hand his almost constant reply being a slightly taken back and protracted ‘NOoooo’

The trip from the airport to the hotel left him white which with his ruddy completion is no mean feat and I think today’s skirmish from the hotel to the bottom of the Gnats left his rather shell shocked however he has rising to the task taken some good advice from Father Ted at the back and not looked back

Jordan has taken on somewhat of a John Wayne Gait the seat being a bit hard for him. I am not sure what he did to deserve being bounced around on the back of his dad’s bike like he is but it must have been pretty serious.

Today’s ride would have Jef (there is only one F in (g) Jef, proud of me, we left in the daylight and arrived in the daylight. The long and hard climb into the Gnats being nowhere near as auspicious as last year. Huws and my bike being the only ones to have a problem. Huws an annoying electrical glitch we means he keeps blowing fuses and my clutch. The fork on the activator had broken and the cable slipped out resulting in no clutch and some pretty hairy riding. The first time it was repaired it lasted about three minutes and not wishing to bring the convoy to yet another stop I struggled on for thirty OR so minutes rather worryingly swerving in and out of the countless monkeys that live on or close to the road. Not worryingly because of the monkeys, but more so by the fact that about half the group didn’t see them. There had to be at least fifty camped out on or close to the road and both myself at the front and Ted who is gainfully bringing up the rear and saw them but many of the first timers didn’t. However despite looking for an elephant, I didn’t see the one reported to have been seen working in a saw mill, pity really because still have to make up for the one that ‘I didn’t see’ last year.

Sam is doing remarkably well and despite being a bit of a black sheep on the plane leading Roger Ted and myself astray with duty free. On every trip that I do there seems to be a trip comment, last years it was Nigel’s “we were lucky with the weather” and I can remember John Hanifords “this Loir valley is so beautiful, but what’s the name of the river that it follows”. I so want him to come on this trip before he is too old he would be a laugh a minute. I digress. The comment of the trip so far must come from the airhostess who came up to our little drinking party with I am sure a well meant “I am awfully sorry you seem to have drunk all the Glenfiddic on the plane and as there is only an hour before you land…. wait for it…. would you mind drinking the Jack Daniels

When sharing a hotel room, and not being a good sleeper, I find it amazing no matter how quiet I try to be the nosier I am, at least now my luggage is packed as gravity intended heavy things at the bottom and light at the top. All I have to do is find out which way up my bag has been stored on the van and hey presto a quick calculation of weight plunge your hand in at the appropriate level and there it is. God must have wanted this when he (or she, although gravity is technical and not like birds and flowers so more likely he) designed gravity and it works clean pants weigh less than dirty pants (don’t ask why) so they necessarily migrate to a different level. Tee shirts follow the same pattern and being heavier live at a higher level than both clean and dirty pants.

I had a problem with my towel neck wrap today and we hadn’t stopped an hour this evening and Sam has her sewing kit out and sorted the problem tell me which man brings a sewing kit. I mean a real one you can use not the ones you get from hotels. Sam asks relevant questions like how does the clutch work and why does my brakes squeak. Not Man questions which bring numerous problems and debates and defy answering.

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